Friday, March 10, 2006

The Rag

Disclaimer: For all the guys out there who get squicked every time they hear the word, "menstrual", I'd suggest you skip this post.
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If I hear one more male friend say he wants to be a woman, I'm going to scream. We're not talking a squeeky lil squirt of a squeal, here... we're talking all-out horror-flick-style burst-yo-tonsils SCREAM!

"But if I had boobs, I could sit at home and play with them all day! You guys have a clit AND a G-spot! And women get multiple orgasms!"

Let me help y'all out a little with this...

1. Boobs: Boobs ain't all they're cracked up to be. They get grabbed, groped, fondled, chewed on, pinched, poked, and generally abused for the amusement of the opposite sex. They cause stains across the front of our blouses from food and beverage, and they're the first part of a sweater to ruin from snagging.
They're trophies and bragging rights for our boyfriends, and the topic of conversation among his friends entirely too often for our comfort. We have to wear rubber band harnesses that squeeze the rib cage all day long, in a desperate attempt to keep them from becoming prematurely un-perked. We're expected to let another human being draw their life substance through them, after which they'll be saggy and wrinkly and of absolutely no use or desire to any one, anywhere. And, if we're really, really lucky, every 28 days we get to feel like some one used our chest as a punching bag.

2. The Vagina: Forget the vagina monologues. Vaginas are hell, wrapped in pretty pink skin, given a mucous problem, and planted between our legs. They're messy, complicated little things with mile-high attitudes; they don't do what they're told, when they're told to do it. Over half the population doesn't know how to operate them, and a lot of the ones who do are too impatient or self-revolving to take the time to do what needs to be done to make them functional. On top of that, for a handful of days every month, our uterus goes into seizure and spews blood all over everything we own. The one and only way to prevent this is to stuff the vagina with wads of cotton and walk around with a maxi-pad the size of a telephone book glued to the inside of our underwear; it's similar to wearing an adult diaper, but without the protective elastic legbands. During this time, we feel like the mass of our lower organs are trying to claw their way to the outside world, straight through our abdominal cavity. One of the best cures for this gnawing, consuming pain is stimulation (that means sex), but guess what? YOU, who think you want one of these natural miracles so you can sit around and diddle it all day long, have this concept that periods are gross, and won't bring your brick within 20 yards of us while we're under current.

3. The Myth of the Mulitple O: I know you may find this hard to believe, but if your girl's having an orgasm every time you two jump in the sack, it's not confirmation that you're Superman in bed... it means she's faking it. The female orgasm is a complex, slow-building thing. On top of that, it's 80% mental, which means that just because you're pushing the right button(s) doesn't mean she's gonna climax. Does that mean you need to give up on the clitorous and g-spot? Absolutely not. What you need to understand is that a lot of us have a hard enough time having one orgasm with you (a huge distraction) in the bed, much less one after another after another. If we are fortunate enough to have the ability to multi-O, it's usually something we can only draw out of ourselves alone at night, shrouded in complete darkness, while fantasizing about your best friend.


12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Very, very informative, porce. Thanks very much for sharing.

In the interest of giving up my inner censor for Lent, I'll just throw down some random comments:

- re: boobs

You probably know a bunch (if not all) of this already, but I was very much reminded of a couple of posts on another weblog:

http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2005/12/girly-stuff-ultimate-bra-post.html

http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2005/12/more-bra-advice-from-bra-wizard-no.html

We have a Nordstroms here (at the Mall of America, no less), and as I've already promised another friend that I'd get her a 'nice' bra for a Christmas/birthday present, I'd be happy to do the same for you.

(As an aside, you have to look at what might be her response to the question in your previous post:

http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2006/03/describe-motherhood-in-one-sentence.html

- re: vagina

I earned my red wings over a decade ago, and my own experience is that gals think it's weird when a guy wants to get it on while the gal is menstruating. Yes, I realize there's more going on and that bleeding, cramps, and the like aren't the greatest things to encourage arousal, but there are some guys out there who don't run for the hills when the women in their lives hit 'that time of the month'.

Of course, even I'd never suggest something this twisted:

http://www.eatliver.com/i.php?n=868

- re: multiple orgasms

Ever since 'When Harry Met Sally', it seems that gals are more than happy to play the 'we're faking it' card whenever they think a guy's getting too big for his hatbrim.

Guess what? Guys can fake orgasm, too. I've done it. More than once. It helps when you're with a woman who has no interest in seeing what's inside the condom when you're finished, I'll admit, but it's far from impossible if you have even a moderate working knowledge of sexual anatomy (i.e.: you actually paid attention in high school health class instead of gazing moon-eyed at the naked breast pics...speaking of which, thanks!)

--
Pauper

Mouth said...

Pauper:

Always the Devil's Advocate, never the Devil (that's my job!).

Boobs... specifically MY boobs: I've been fitted, thank you. I have nice bras. I dont ALWAYS wear them, because hey, what girl can afford a whole panty drawer full of slingshots that run $60-$100 apiece?? Is a "nice" bra better than a cheap on? Of course. Is a bra that fits properly better than one that doesn't? Absolutely. Does that negate the fact that boobs are a pain in the... chest? Nope.

(LOVED the Bitch, PhD blog btw, thanks for the links!)

The Vagina: I agree that a lot of girlies get squicked out when a guy tries to noseplant into her maxi-pad, but surely you undertand that after hearing every man previous pipe, "Ew! You want me to put MY thing in THERE while it's doing THAT??" that we'd be a little self-concious about what your reaction will be if it doesn't turn out quite the way you'd expect. Outside of that, you are a very, VERY small minority. Do I know guys who will pump into a bloody pot? Of course I do... I only know one (now two) who dont mind the mess on their chin, though. Even so, a lot of the guys who will go after it while it's pitchin cherries (it's still a warm, wet hole, after all) are the same ones who get all ooked out when you say, "I need to go to the grocer and get some tampons." A guy can lop off his leg with a chainsaw and try to play it off like it's no big deal, but when I do my natural montly thing, it turns his tummy. Guys are so weird...

Orgasm, repeat: I'm pretty sure we both know I have a solid enough grasp on the workings of the human body that a guy wouldn't be able to pull a fakey on me. There is, after all, evidence, and I am, after all, service-oriented... we both know what I'm getting at. As far as the female of our species, though, a lot of guys don't understand that what gets him off doesn't (always) do it for her. The ones that do are often too lazy, impatient, tired, cranky, headachey, or just plain spoiled to do what needs to be done to "git 'er done". You can't deny that a lot of men's top priority in the sack is squirrelling their own nut into whatever receptacle has been labelled for deposit. I'm not saying all. I'm not even saying most. I'm saying a lot.

And I've never seen "When Harry Met Sally".

p.

PS: You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Can we change the subject please?

Laughs.

Mouth said...

Not-so-anonymous:

You're just pissy cuz this one's not about you!

p.

Real Mac Daddy said...

Just for the record, I've never wanted to be a woman.

Mouth said...

That's cuz you's smart, Mac. You'd rather play with 'em than be one. Hell, I'd rather play with one than be one, too!

p.

Mal Has No Life said...

Oy, you know, I've never wanted to be a woman either. And Pauper- "red wings"? LOL I call it "crime scene sex", and no, I've never had it, but the way it was described to me, it was horrifying and tantamount to seeing a dude get hit by a train.
And for the record, I've been with a good handful of women now and with the exception of one (I was drunk) they've all cum at least once. Faking orgasms is a break-up-able offense to me, but I know for a fact that all of the ones had were real. I've never had to fake one either, nor could I. I'm sure I could physically, but just like I service in bed to the best of my ability, I expect it in return, and when I'm not satisfied, my partner *knows* it. I ain't the hardest guy to please in the world.
But yeah, boobs? I got back problems as it is. No thanks.
Vagina? I'd miss my cock, my testosterone, and if by some chance I go a full 5-7 days without the insane need to beat off, I think I might kill myself. This is an awesome post.

Mouth said...

"Crime scene sex." Graphic, but accurate. It's a bit messy, that's true.

However, women have an influx of hormones during "that time", and it's a shame to let all that want go to waste, don't you think?

p.

Mal Has No Life said...

Augh! I don't care, I'm not sure if I could do it. Maybe while in the shower. It's not just the blood. Chicks get really self conscious and bitchy during that time and it contributes to the awkwardness of sex. I also think some of the bitchiness is psychosymatic, not really horomone-oriented. I used to crossdress and that shit was a lot of work. And like I'd go out and get stomach cramps and just be especially mean to people and I really don't know why.
I'm just glad I'm able to turn it off and go back to my unshaven slobby self.

Mouth said...

Sure ya could! And as long as you're not trying to dive head-first into the mess, i'll probably be okay with it. Just fold a towel under the butt to keep it off the sheets, and have at it. No girl-on-top, though... tends to splatter, and for some reason, blood's hard to scrub off a wall.

p.

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