Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Get Down with the Sickness

I've been on my deathbed since Monday. I had to leave work two hours early. Apparently, pitching my stomach into my desk wastebasket was disturbing my neighbor.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those poor fools who was cursed with a weak immune system. I get just about every bug that rolls through the office, and I seem to get it before any one else does. Most of the time I suck it up and go in anyway, but I'm not much use to any one when I'm blowin lava in both North and South America.

So I'm laying here in bed, wishing there were some type of super-antibody out there I could infuse with my bloodstream. Something that could come in and kick the living shit out of all the icky virussy things attacking my poor defenseless bod.

I thought of all the horrible, awful diseases that could be prevented. Then I remembered an article that was posted to a message board I frequent a few months back.


Viruses May Be Fattening

Scientists find evidence to suggest viral infection may be cause of human obesity.
January 30, 2006

For years, scientists have wondered whether viruses should shoulder some responsibility for the wave of obesity sweeping the planet. On Monday, a U.S. medical journal released a study establishing such a link in chickens.

In all of human history, obesity stands alone among chronic diseases for the rapidity of its spread. In fact, the pattern of its quick rise looks very much like that of an infectious disease epidemic.

Six viruses have already been shown to produce obesity in animals, but University of Wisconsin, Madison scientists have now shown that a human virus can cause obesity in chickens, a strong suggestion that it could make people fat, too.

(posted on Red Herring)

First, Americans were fat because we inhaled fifteen Big Macs in a week. Later, we sued McDonalds for not telling us deep-fat-fried foods were unhealthy

Then Americans were fat because we were clinically depressed, and the anti-depressants and memories of our traumatic childhoods caused us to overeat.

Then Americans were fat because we had "fat genes", and it was hereditary.

Now we're fat because of a virus.

Are you kidding me?

I can see Merck having a field day with this one...


Don'’t want to get fat this year?

Don'’t have time to build immunity naturally by eating right and exercising? Don'’t worry!

Just come by our office for the new anti-viral FAT SHOT! We'’ll pump your veins full of the best antiviral concoction your money can buy!

Disclaimer: The FAT SHOT should not be used in conjunction with personal responsibility. The FAT SHOT is not right for every one. Some patients may experience a loss of accountability, motivation, inspiration, perspiration, or drive, laziness, listlessness, loss of appetite, and low self esteem. The makers of The FAT SHOT are not responsible for death in association with the use of this product, when death is brought on by stomach rupture due to over-eating. Ask your doctor if The FAT SHOT is right for you.



Caryn said...

You crack me up. I am sorry you were/are sick, hun!! Get better soon!!!

Mouth said...

Yeah, bein sick's a bummer. Glad I'm up and swingin again, though. Thanks for poppin in and skimming through!