Thursday, September 07, 2006

American Idol

"Hey, this your sister?" I ask, picking up a photograph from my boss's desk. Lonnie nods her ascent, completely absorbed in the glowing comp screen in front of her.

"She looks like that gal on your desktop."

"What?" Lonnie's brow creases. She looks at me, looks at the photograph, looks at the background on her computer. "She does not!"

Ah, denial - what a friend you are to the insecure. There's no denying the resemblance between Lonnie's sister and the spit-shined super-star mug of Jessica Simpson. The funny part is that Lonnie and the rest of the self-titled Plastics absolutely worship Jess. They'd pay top dollar for used toilet paper on EBay if they could find it. It's more than a little ridiculous, given that they're all in their mid-twenties.

"Why do you like her so much, anyway?" I ask, wrinkling my nose. Jess has a lazy eye and a callogen smile. Her features are too sharp, and her overall look is too manufactured. I don't think she's beautiful at all.

"Oh, she's so pretty, and so talented!" Lonnie gushes, turning her star-struck eyes back to the glowing image of Jessica in daisy dukes, car-wash sponge in hand and soap suds up to her elbows.

"Okay, so she's pretty and she can sing. Lots of pretty people can sing. What makes you choose her above every one else? I mean, I understand she's this mega-super-starlette and all that, but does she ever do anything worthwhile with all her celebrity and money? Does she ever do anything for any one other than herself??"

Lonnie pursed her lips, no doubt mentally sifting through all the recent In Touch articles she could remember, searching for some shiney little tidbit of humanitarian activity stored back in her memory banks. It's funny - Lonnie could probably tell you what color shirt the star was wearing in last month's fashion rag, but can't seem to remember anything of import Ms. Simpson had actually accomplished since becoming America's sweetheart.

"She did some stuff in Africa. You know, read to starving children and stuff." She nodded, assuring herself that her demigod was worthy of attention, affection, and loads and loads of cash.

"I see." Because starving children really need to read The Cat in the Hat before their bodies start digesting their internal organs in a desperate bid for calories. Pretty big accomplishment. Lonnie had already become re-absorbed in the glowing box, Jessica Simpson dancing happily in still in the background.

Lonnie's a sweet gal, she's just... empty-headed. It's a shame she spends so much time looking at Daisey Duke posters, wishing she looked more like her idol. She really is an attractive girl. Too bad there's not more going on upstairs. Ah, well... She'll make somebody a great trophy wife some day.

4 comments:

Pauper said...

It is strange, isn't it?

On the one hand, if she ran into Jessica Simpson bodily on an elevator, with Simpson wearing either 'just folks' clothes or dressed in 'business casual' rather than dolled up for a glossy magazine shoot, would your co-worker even recognize Simpson?

On the other, if someone - perhaps as a lark - gave her a birthday present of an hour-long session with a kick-butt photographer and makeup artist (not just Glamour Shots) and gave her an envelope full of photographic evidence that, in the right setting, she can be every bit as glamorous as her idol, would it open her eyes?

I sometimes wonder if we don't look up to celebrities to, in some way, excuse our own shortcomings. I used to think amazing things about the late John Candy while he was still up and performing, and when people would try to point out that I very strongly reminded them of him, I'd smile and dismiss the similarity as flattery. I'm not as talented as *John Candy*, after all - I'm just flawed ol' me, so I don't have to work too hard or push too far trying to chase a dream that I don't have the ocnfidence to capture anyway.

I'm older now, and maybe I've grown enough to put those kinds of self-denying excuses behind me. Maybe.

Caryn said...

Oh yes...she (Lonnie) is quite something, isn't she. As is the queen bee Plastic. Why they worship Jessica Simpson, I will never know. Now, I will say that Jessica does have some redeeming qualities. I don't worship her, but I certainly don't despise her. In all actuality, I kind of see a lot of myself in her. Innocent Texas girl...who is air-heady and sometimes silly. But in Jessica's defense...she actually does have a charity called Operation Smile. It is a nonprofit organization that provides reconstructive surgery for children with facial deformities. So that is her thing.

But one would think that a die hard fan would know that about her. I mean, I read People mag and I could give two flips about Jessica Simpson. Yet, I manage to know that she has a charity. Some people.

Mouth said...

Caryn: See, now THAT is the type of information I expected Lonnie to come up with.

Like I said... it's a shame. She's a sweet girl... sure would be nice if the lights were on upstairs, though.

m.

Caryn said...

You'd think she would know that right? Any avid fan that knows a lot about their blesses star, usually knows about any charities that they have. I am not a die hard fan of any one person, but like I said...I read a lot. So I know about a lot of causes that random stars contribute their time & money to.

But, for some people...brains are needed.