Monday, October 16, 2006

Stage Fright

You know, being female has it's advantages - the inability to poop in public places is not one of them. There are any number of places a girl can't drop a brick. They include (but are certainly not limited to):

Friend's house
Boyfriend's house
Parent's house
In-Law's house
Sibling's house
Shopping Centers
Hotel Rooms
Bars and Nightclubs
The Office
The Grocery Store
The Woods

Pretty much anywhere anyone may be even the slightest bit exposed to our utter lack of femininity while we're grunting one out. Pooping is a gal's dirty little secret. I've had more than one male friend comment that his girlfriend never poops. Hate to break it to ya, guys... she does it, she just waits til she gets home.

Ever have your girl stay the night, and go to bed frustrated because she won't put out? She doesn't have a headache - she's carrying a load, and is worried that she might fart while you're smackin her ass from behind... or worse, that she might pinch off a pill during the yoga you like to call sex. Ever try to hold one in when your ankles are up by your ears? And you thought that was her O-face...

The bottom line is (yeah, sorry bout that pun), while men seem to feel free to share the product of their bowels with the rest of the world, women would be mortified if the next person in the powder room caught a whiff of anything other than roses. That's just how we are.

For a lot of us, there's a "Poop Threshold"- a time when we determine you've been around long enough that the sound of a splash on the other side of the bathroom door isn't going to make you run screaming. We'll still lock the door, turn on the water, and fog the bathroom with air freshener, but at least there's some relief.

I pity the woman who goes out of town with a boyfriend before she reaches the Poop Threshold. If she keeps sending you to the store for "forgotten" toilettries, or asking you to go pick up dinner instead of calling room service, you can bet she's overflowing. Do be kind enough to ignore the overwhelming scent of perfume permeating your hotel room and spilling out into the hall, and God save you if you mention that you know what she was doing while you were out. Better invest in Vaseline, that's all I'm saying. You might be takin care of your own business for awhile, and I'm not talkin bout squattin on porcelain.

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